“Fear of Man”

I have had so many thoughts flying through my head in the last weeks, I haven’t even known where to start in jotting them down.  One of the overwhelming realizations, though, has been an underlying “fear of man” that dominates my thoughts and actions as a parent.  I am convicted that I have spent so long judging and being critical of everyone else’s parenting styles and abilities (without children of my own), that I want to cower at the thought that everyone else is probably doing the same to me as I begin this whole parenting endeavor.

I find myself defending my reasons for doing x, y, or z, to a seventeen year old, the man on the street, or the cashier at Target who could care less.  I realize I am employing a certain method because that’s what so-and-so said I should do and even though I think I might hate it, darn it, I have to do it! What would they think of me if I didn’t?! I recognize pride rising in my heart when people ask how things are going and I am able to give a good report, but feel ashamed if my baby isn’t perfect.

If the last eleven weeks has shown me anything, it is that parenthood is astronomically harder than I could have ever imagined. I keep thinking I should be able to “program” my little guy to do exactly as I want.  But as Stephen gently reminded me this last week, Jeshuah is a human being.  I can try to conform him to my little mold, but ultimately he will do what he will do.  I can desire for his naps and nights to be predictable, and if I do just so, he should respond in the same way every time, right? No.  Because he’s a little person! With needs and desires and feelings and a will.  And sometimes perhaps he might cry just because he wants to! (How many times have I done that?!)

For some reason all the variables of taking care of a little person are throwing me for a serious loop.  I love order and predictability.  That has been wrenched from me, and I am still smarting from it.  And it seems like the more I try to establish some semblance of order and predictability in our lives, the more stressed I become! I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to be doing right now, but what I do know is that I don’t want to do what I do because someone else thinks I should, or someone might think ill of me if I do otherwise.  I pray that the Lord will squash my fear of man and that I will be able to mother only before God, and that it will be pleasing to Him and Him alone.

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One response to this post.

  1. Posted by Mom-GRANDMA! on March 8, 2010 at 2:44 am

    Like Mother, like daughter. 😦 I struggle with fear of man as well. Here is one of the verses I have been thinking on lately: “Don’t be afraid of what scares them, don’t be terrified. You must recognize the authority of the Lord who commands armies. HE is the One you must respect; HE is the One you must fear. HE will become a Sanctuary.” (Is 8:12-14)

    Let Him be your Sanctuary, your hiding place. He loves you!

    “Faith is tested by what we do with fear, not whether or not we have it.” (Beth Moore)

    Reply

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