Getting Back Up on My Feet–or Trying To

It has been pretty quiet on the blog front lately.  All I have managed to keep up with are Eliana’s monthly updates, and that is only eeked out because I desperately want her to have those to look back on. I wish I had been able to do it with Jeshuah when he was that age, so I try very hard to at least publish those.  I have not kept up well on the Monthly Chemical Elimination. Sometimes I simply can’t find good natural alternatives.  Sometimes we just can’t afford them.  Sometimes I just don’t have the time or energy to sit down and blog about it.  While we began the GAPS diet, we were unable to maintain it.   It is very, very hard.  And very expensive.  Maybe someday…

We have had a lot going on that was either not blog-worthy, or too deep to process in cyberspace.  Some of my absence is due to the fact that, while two kids is even more fun than one, it is definitely more time-consuming!  Part of my absence is from attempting to be more present with my children and have less of on on-line presence.  That I do not regret at all:-) Some of my laxity has been two months of basement renovation stretching into an agonizing six months of boxes, piles, and drywall dust scattered across every corner of the house.  Or perhaps it is the fact I have picked up some extra hours doing bookkeeping during the kids naps a couple of days a week.  (Those naps are usually when my creative juices begin to flow a bit more freely in the quiet and solitude.)  Another issue that has been weighing heavier and heavier on my heart is the fact that, as much improvement as we have seen in Jeshuah over the last year on the autistic scale, there are some markers creeping back up that whisper that he may still have some residual issues that cannot be repaired by chiropractic care.  We continue to be concerned about a possible sensory disorder, as well as some mild cognitive and developmental delays.  And some days just are so exhausting I feel that I can barely put one foot in front of the other.  Some days it is simply the stress and anxiety of the questions of what is wrong and how we can help him that wear on me.

I have been in a season of chaos and disorder.  While my house has been in upheaval, so has everything else it seems.  I have let slide the routines that have helped maintain my sanity in the past, feeling simply incapable of keeping up, and that perhaps a reprieve from so much order and structure would do me good.

It hasn’t.

It has not done any of us any good. Especially when we cannot find any clean clothes to wear:-)

I am now trying to re-instigate order, structure and routine into our home to bring it back into some semblance of peace.  One of the biggest struggles for Jehsuah is a lack of predictability and order.  Watching him these last few months, it is apparent how beneficial boundaries and structure are for him, and how much he struggles when it is absent.  So for his sake, as well as the rest of the family, I am trying to be more disciplined.

Most of all, I am begging for grace to accomplish all of the above, and to remember it is not about trying harder.  It is not about being stronger, for when I am weak, then HE is strong! It is not about me doing my best. It is about surrendering my life into Christ’s hands and asking Him to do the work through me.  He has always been faithful in the past. I know He will be faithful still.

Forgive me for the weighty tone of this post.  I am just recently coming to grips with the fact that Jeshuah may still need additional help, and I am exhausted by the mere thought.  I am finally admitting to myself and others that we may not be out of the woods.  And while I know of so many others out there who have so much more painful, difficult situations that they are facing, this is what we are facing.  And it is hard enough. But so thankful that God is good enough. So much more than good enough!


One response to this post.

  1. Oh, friend. I’m sorry for all the upheaval and challenges. You are so right that it’s not about you doing your best but about God being more than good enough.


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